Carol had not been able to come home for the holidays. Her siblings had been home and they called her to share that there were urgent concerns about her parents and their care needs. She called her parents and got their answering machine. She left a message that she was going to fly in after the holidays to help them figure out care needs. They insisted they were fine, but she knew they weren’t. She researched to find a care manager and called us before she came into town so that we would be ready to do a home visit when she arrived.
She was feeling a lot of anxiety about her parents since she wanted the best for them. She knew she would need help and her folks deserved the expertise of a professional and experienced care manager. Carol was already feeling guilty about not being there for them and was hoping the care manager would help explain the concerns in a diplomatic way.
Her parents were organized and as much as possible when planning their post-retirement years, had done their due diligence to make sure the challenges they would face as they aged were handled. They did not involve their children in the planning, and they didn’t really talk much about it, other than saying everything was in order and had been handled. They didn’t want to be a burden.
She knew she had not been readily available to her parents due to the distance between them. Carol lived 1500 miles away and had for many years. She tried to get out to visit her folks, once a year, but had missed some years, due to her own life struggles. Carol was recently divorced and did not have kids, so she spoke with her siblings, and she was considering moving back to her hometown to be near her parents.
I was able to meet with Carol and her parents to get a good look at what was happening. I was not shocked by what I saw and what they shared. This is typical of what unmanaged care can look like. The house was in disrepair, and it was needing a good cleaning. Expired food was in the refrigerator and the backdoor was stuck open, even in the cold weather.
Their mobility had deteriorated to the point they couldn’t maneuver the stairs because of their use of walkers. They both appeared to be suffering from some memory loss, not recalling current events, what they had eaten or if they had eaten. They said they had taken their medication but the prefilled packets had not been touched in 10 days. They were not sure where their important papers were. Mom said they didn’t have any and dad said they were in the office. They office was stack after stack of paper, nothing had been filed in quite some time. The shower didn’t look like it had been used recently or the bathroom fixtures had been cleaned.
They were repeatedly asking why Carol was there and who I was asking all these questions. Then they would say how happy they were to see us, Carol, and me. It was a little confusing for everyone but it eventually worked it self out when a distraction was introduced.
Carol was beside herself. She did not know things had gotten so bad for her parents. She felt guilty about not being available to them, trusting what they were telling her and not reaching out to a professional care manager to look in on them sooner. “If only” thoughts continued to plague Carol’s conscience.
Now that everything was out in the open, I assured Carol that she didn’t do anything wrong. There is no need to feel guilty, that everything would be fine now that she was in town. My role would be to assist in setting up help to get the house cleaned and vacuumed, the dishes done and put away, and errands run to keep fresh food in the home. The cleaners would get the garbage off the back porch and into the trash can. We discussed options and I set up a care plan for Carol’s parents to remain in their home for the time being. There would need to be conditions and considerations for them to stay at home short term. Looking at all the options, meant finding 24-hour live-in care. Carol was also going to stay at the home with them to help get things stabilized. She will be able to make sense of family needs and what is good for the parents through regular visits and communications with the family. Once the important papers are found she can read them over and make sure they are current and valid. I gave her the name of a local elder law attorney who could help review the paperwork. Estate planning and fiduciary planning can be arranged with the attorney.
It is so good to see that her parents are taking their medications regularly, eating on a regular schedule, living in a clean home, and having their daughter watching over their care with our help. Everyone benefits from having a care manager involved in care planning.
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